Subject: Update From: SGross9577@aol.com Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 10:37:11 EDT

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Steve:

Its August 2nd, Sunday morning 88:30Am...my wife is still sleeping..I just
completed two collages for Partnership Ex...and notice I'm have no idea if I'm
actually collaging a "partnership field"...

I have five-six major things coming to roost...

1) My Leave of Absence from my job starting Sept. 25th;
2) Being a grandfather;
3) Looking at consulting work to pay the bills;
4) Advancing my music career;
5) Completing wih Sterling Sept 11th; and,
6) Starting into new avenues, like work with Ken Wilber or the Shambala
Center.

But, today is the second day of vacation for my wife and me....a planned time
off...and I'm it just happened that I'm on jury duty in a extortion case that
will not end until probably Wednesday, Aug. 5th.  I've also had some financial
concerns get even more serious regarding getting rid of my houses in Trenton,
NJ, so we couldn't go to Seattle as we planned and are just hanging around
NYC...maybe a small two day trip somewhere.

I'm already feeling the squeeze of no-paycheck when I take my Leave, but I am
also confident that something will come up for me.  I'm looking into some work
with Rutgers University in New Brunswick, NJ, some work with Citibank and the
Federal Reserve, and some freelance consulting...and of course striving to
move my music into the mainstream...

My diabetes is almost under control...at least with some new medicine it is
down to normal levels.  And, I'm feeling a bit more energetic.. ...Still I
have a lot of ground to make up and truthfully only about a month and a half
before my leave starts...

I remind myself that this is the time to not act rash...and hold a steady
course, even if nothing seems to be happening...I have two gigs August 14 and
August 20th, and I'm still writing tunes which are very good...

I guess what is looming up ahead is that by September 15th most of what I do
(Sterling, my job, Landmark, my family home which is being sold, Trenton
properties, relations with my daughters, etc.) will all disperse for the most
part...and what will be left is the world the way it is...

I have decided to literally begin again in a sense... Of course I have
whatever is with me from the past 42 years of my life...but most is just who I
am not what I have... I literally have almost nothing....I mean you would be
surprised...Yet, I realize I will see on Oct. 1st what I truely have....and
most of it is relationships!!!  And, the emergence of Partnerships...I'm not
just saying that because we are in this course together...I'm saying that
literally...I managed to own very little in material wealth in 42 years...what
I have is relationships...If you come to my apartment in NYC you see just
about everything I have, but what you don't see is the wealth of the
relationships I have...which in turn give me my life...And, I have seen in the
past year how interesting it would be if I surrendered to my life as it
is...NOW....an thanks to people like you I've had a chance to hash it
out...and proceed....

When I see you on Sept 12th...you will know that within a week..the world I
have known will end...and maybe I will have somewhere to step into like a job
or some paying work, but today that is being negotiated, but isn't so...and it
might not be by Sept. 12th...

I admit to gaving a "romance" about this Leave where I become rich and famous,
or at least discover the Holy Grail...and I may...but I suspect I will find a
new life because that is what I am committed to...

Much of this has come about as I feel very complete with being "a child"...It
is part of me, but no longer describes me...It is one reason I am leaving
Sterling because it is still an organization in its childhood...and I'm glad I
have done the work because it gave me access to working on my boyhood to
manhood...that was missing..and no longer is...But, to stay there would be to
wish to lead it...and I don't completely agree with them politically...or
organizationally..although someday it may evolve to a point where I
might....But, I find it a somewhat childish realm...fun at times, but
childish...I don't think J. Sterling himself is at the level of
"Adult"...charismatic older child ..yes...Adult no...For instance;  the
3-dimensional man ( physical, emotional and mental) is a good concept, but
there is a fourth (objective-man)  and fifth (integral-man) dimensional
man...which he has never identified...And, I agree that Sterling distinquishes
man from boy, but not Adult-man from man...And, there is a distinction...So,
Sterling is fairly correct, but it is not the Truth....

I look at my life and wonder why I went back to studying my 3-dimensional
self...when for years I had worked on completing my 4th-dimensional self...
And, I see that I could never complete my fourth dimensional self unless my
3-dimensional self was itself complete...So, I returned there...and learned to
accept myself for being a male...as a set of distinctions...of what that
is...Now, it is time to leap beyond it and even in some sense beyond my
physical-emotional-mental self...to release all attachment (although not
attention) to my external self...to identifying ( not exploring) with those
externalities rather than seeing them as the reflection of my intentional
SELF....completely...{that what I "see" as perception is a reflection of
aspects of my intentions...and these intentions are dialogical...in other
words they exist in the reflection...in the reflection of the internal in the
external...and as a sidebar I think this is what life ( in view of the
"psychology of man's possible eveolution) is about: attaining or creating an
objectivity that is sufficient enough to reflect oneself....sort of like
"throwing your voice" and being able to listen to your voice "over there"...we
develop the ability to "throw our consciousness" away from ourselves; "over
there"...and observe it...and the observing of "IT" creates a dialogue...which
can (*) exist independently of  "us" ....which is why I alluded to yesterday
in an e-mail to the PEXers that we discover dialogue as much as create it...}
* I say "can" even though I don't really know this...I only feel it now and
then...when I think about it I immediately get my back up and come to champion
the subject/ object (speaker/listener) reference points, but I suspect that
this is bankrupt albeit available...But, it just doesn't seem "true" this
polar requirement...it feels inherited...And, I suspect that dialogue is a
presence rather than a causality...that dialogue is the "Alien" and what we
percieve in the dialogue is only ourselves...

So, I dragged myself kicking and screaming to yet another overhang ,
overlooking another abyss...and I hear a voice out in the seeiming
inpenetrable fog-laden Merlin laden-fog ..." come in the water is fine.." ....

When I was a kid about 11 or 13 , there was to be a quarry that had been
abandoned and had filled up with water...the edges where very high. It was
opened up as a club of sorts, but open to the public...And one of the thrills
of this place was a series of diving boards at various heights around the
perimeter of this quarry to dive off of...and as you can imagine it was the
required temptation to ascertain bravery by diving off these "leaps"...and
great bravery to leap from the highest one. By the end of the summer of 1969,
I built up sufficient insanity to do this feat and dive off the highest dive
having perfected a "swan dive", arms splayed, feet together like a Canadian
goose happily in step with the tribe and a Canada-come-hither look,  chin up
with determination...What I remember most about the "leap' was that the diving
board seemed awful skinney and though firm enough was ridiculously high
up....it wasn't the run-and-leap sort of diving board...more the tiptoe out-
vertigo-gulp-type diving board... And, managed to stand out there on as close
to the edge as I could, looking way down and letting my toes scratch me
forward a few more inches...Of course I was then committted as only an
adolescent could be.  Certain that all eyes were watching...and indeed this
was true as it was a rare feat...reserved for most heroic, athletic or
stupid...And, as I've observed, humankind loves to watch the sailing arch of
almost anything.   The suspension and drift through atmosphere of any object
and the consequential and inevitable annoying demand of gravity...but it is
the seeming moment of suspension, ...gravity-defiance that speaks to our
deepest wishes to be eternally NOW that we love so much...and it is absolute
beauty, a communal experience of freedom...if just for that one classless,
voidful moment between moments....The longer the communal state...the better.

And, I looked out and saw water shimmering like lapis lazuli... I leapt.

Chin up, chest out...prepared to die....it took about twenty years to hit the
water...and as I approached I brought my wing-span together over my head and
sliced through the water with a tremendous surge... and my swimming trunks
were torn off lickety-split and somehow were lost...literally
disinegrated...resulting in an urgent and difficult request to achieve
modesty...

but, the water was fine... (although later I began to loose my hair much
earlier than my collegues who I think are still laughing about that dive..)

SETH


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