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Hi Dad!!

On 18 Dec 1994, Thomas R. Ballard wrote:

> 12/18/94 - Hi, Son.  Mom is working away on your Christmas/Birthday gift and
> feeling bad that time is running out on her.  However, I am sure you will
> appreciate the results.  If it reaches you in time, it will be a miracle.
Don't worry about getting it here on time.  I'll get it by Valentine's 
day.  Just have a great Christmas.  I love you!

> Meanwhile, we mailed a package to Nicki & Amanda containing $10.00 for each,
> same as we did for Diane's boys.  We sent it out 3rd/4th class mail Wednesday
> and Diane received theirs Friday.  While I think of it, you may have forgotten

They will love it.  I got some kind of package from them.  I'll check it 
out Christmas Day.

> that we really want as little as possible to do with Leslie, with or without
> Jerry.  We want to see Nicki & Amanda WITHOUT Leslie.  3 or 4 years ago was the
That makes about 5 of us.

> If we can pick them up and have some fun with them,
> then that would be fine.
I don't think you will have a problem with that.  Since I've only seen 
the kids for 2 Hours in 3 years, I don't think she would refuse 
visitation by an appointed representitive.

> We also had a problem with all the restrictions that Leslie tried to put
> on us when we DID get to take the kids for a short time through Diane.  You
> probably are not aware of all of this, since I am sure none of them would tell
At that time, there were many secrets being kept by Leslie, Jerry, and 
the Kids.  I didn't know about Jerry's 2 strokes, heart condition, Brain 
Tumor, or MS at the time.  There were also concerns of abuse and neglect.
I only found out she was using a belt on the kids by accident.  I THINK 
all of the secrets are out, I never know with Leslie.

> you.  Finally, because of this strained wall, we really do not KNOW Nicki &
> Amanda.  It is hard to get past the false fronts and "acting" stage of a
> relationship with them.
I don't know them either anymore.  I pay child support, I talk to them on 
the phone (very painful for all 3 of us), and Leslie tells me they are 
doing great in school (both are on the Honor Roll and have almost all A's).
Nicky is in WEBLOs, Amanda is in Brownies.  They see their cousins.  
Nicky tried to use the fact that Jerry wasn't his "real dad" as the basis 
for disobedience and insobordination.  It wasn't out of attachment to me.
They both know they have 3 "real" parents.  They don't have my goals, 
values, beliefs, traditions, or even my defects of character.  I think 
about them every day.  They are the only kids I have or will ever have.  
I also recognize that I am a "mysterious benefactor" to them.  Like 
"Great Expectations".

> This is why we have avoided any further confrontations.
> However, for your sake, we will make another effort when we next have the
> opportunity and time.
I would like them to know something of who they are.  The Ballard 
traditions, the Woodworth determination, the Lawrence/Mints "you can do 
anything you put your mind to".  I'd like to see Amanda NOT put her 
future into the hands of a "sweet talking guy".  I'd like to see Nicky 
NOT get a girl pregnant or Die of AIDS because no one taught him about 
sex and sexuality.  I had great hopes for my kids.  If only they were my 
kids.

> 	Mother turned 99 in November.  We had a call on a Friday to tell us she
> has cancer in her stomach.  Then we had a call the following Monday to tell us
> that they did not think it is cancer, but a hernia and bleeding hemroids.
> However, no surgeries will be done.  She will not be taken to the hospital, but
> kept comfortable as possible in the nursing home until she dies.  That may be
> weeks, months, or even a year.  That is relaying the best information we have at
> this time.  Marian is good at keeping us posted and up to date.  She and Ken are
> going to be there for Christmas.
I want to fly out there and be with her before she goes.  Unfortunately, 
this Car accident has cost about $1000 in deductibles and copayments.  If 
I don't make it, tell her I love her.

> 	We are staying home and are too tired to get out all the decorations this
> year.  There will be an alcothon Christmas eve and Christmas morning.  We have
> reservations made for the Christmas Buffet at the Holiday Inn.  We enjoyed the
> Hilton for Thanksgiving.  I also have a new sponsor.  Joe had 24 years on 12/7.
> He is just what I need...a little older and more level headed!

I will be doing some alcathons as well.  I haven't been able to find a 
sponsor who has completed the 12 steps.  I went to an N.A. meeting last 
night.  They had tacked up the A.A. steps and traditions, turned all of 
the slogans and prayers toward the walls, and covered all other A.A. 
trademarks, symbols, and logos with brown paper.  It was disgusting.  I 
felt like a Jew at a Nazi rally.  I wasn't at the group concionce that 
was packed with people who "Joined" the group to help plan the party.

If it weren't for Landmark, I don't know what I would have done.  A.A. 
seems to be very complacent and focused on "I killed 23 people, but I 
didn't DRINK today".  At times, I can sit through a week of meetings and 
not even hear the experience of the steps.  Everybody is attached to the 
"Living Sober" book as the primary program of recovery.

> 	We sure have enjoyed your phone calls and our talks with you.  It is
> great to hear the growth and change you are experiencing.  Needless to say, you
> will always be very special to us.  It is hard to realize you are almost 39
> years old.
I didn't feel anywhere NEAR that old until after this Accident.  Now I 
feel like I am 50 from the aches.

> We dream of making a trip out to see you and cousins after Mother is
> gone.  It is pretty hard to plan on that much before.  Of course, we also dream
> of travelling many other places in the TOY, as well.  Perhaps some day it will
> be part of God's plan for us.

Part of me wants very much to be back in Denver.  I understand why God 
put me out here, but I also sometimes wish that I could be back there.

> 	Keep in touch.  We love you and would love to spend time with you if that
> ever becomes possible.

Only God knows when.

> 				Dad & Mom 


From rballard@cnj.digex.net Fri Feb 10 00:37:00 1995
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